the awkward 20-something guide to dating

Step 1: Turn to chapter 1, verse 3 of the Internets to seek guidance on the matter.

Step 2: Type in “how to ask a guy out” in the search bar and wait 18 seconds for the answer.

Step 3: Skip over all “articles” from Cosmo, Women’s Health, Men’s Health or anything alike.

Step 4: Ask Facebook. Because Facebook has real people. Real people who like to mind your business and mask their own.

Step 5: Roll your eyes at your mama who decides to chime in. Her advice is simple. “You don’t!”

Step 6: Remember yo mama is a baby boomer who met her husband at the club one night.

Step 7: Contemplate revoking the question from Facebook because no one understands your life.

Step 8: Go back to Google and check out the Wikihow page with its full blown graphics.

Step 9: Slam your laptop shut because clearly The Universe
is worthless.

Step 10: Take your defeated feelings and your phone to your favorite place in the house and think.

Step 11: Answer the phone on the first ring because you know what the call is about.

Step 12: Listen to your best friend ask fifty-seven questions about that one Facebook status.

Step 13: Revert back to your childhood and simply answer, “I don’t know.”

Step 14: Confirm that she is right. “Yes, I’m using the bathroom.”

Step 15: Listen to her husband chime in like background music.

Step 16: Thank the phone gods for call waiting as you click over to the other line.

Step 17: Begin explaining the Facebook status all over again to your other Best Friend B.

Step 18: You decide not to merge the two calls because your gal pals are not on speaking terms at the particular moment.

Step 19: Agree to take the “be yourself” approach, per the advice of BFB.

Step 20: Wipe, flush, wash hands and spray.

Step 21: Send text to the guy, because the important part to keep in mind is that you managed to get his number earlier in the day. 

Step 22: Take phone off vibrate so you can hear it ring just
in case….

Step 23: Sit patiently for an hour and double check that you’ve copied the number down right.

Step 24: Wait another hour, wipe the drool off your arm and read his text through squinted eyes.

Step 25: Go along with your premeditated response and ask him out to lunch one day soon.

Step 26: Tell yourself to stop smiling so hard. He only typed
“okay. Sure.”

Step 27: Be completely understanding that this week isn’t good. Tell him it’s no rush and to keep you posted.

Step 28: Wait.

Step 29: Give up all hope and just come to grips with reality.  It’s you. Not him. Or him. Or any of them. You’re socially awkward when engaging with men. With women. With kids. With pets. 

Step 30: Forget everything you just said. Open your laptop and go back to the internets and reactivate your dating profile, dangit.