Unsolicited Advice
unsolicited advice from a liberal activist with a nose ring
after Jeanann Verlee
if you feel like walking across the room to kiss him, do it. if he won’t look at you after making out with you all night, there’s something wrong with him, not you. if you kiss three different boys in theater camp that doesn’t mean you’re a slut. if you’re a slut that’s OK too. if he treats you like you’re fine china, there’s something wrong with him. if plays the guitar and makes you mix tapes, make out with him as much as you can. if he gets you wet, it’s OK to go ahead. if you’re ready, it’s really better to get your first time over, there’s so many more interesting kinds of firsts ahead and a lot of them are less likely to give you HIV. if he invites you to a beer garden for your first date after you’ve already fucked, dump him. if he doesn’t seem threatened by gay men that’s a good sign. if he won’t look at you after making out with you every time he sees you, there’s something wrong with him, not you. if he’s hanging around a college and he isn’t in college, run away. if he invites you to watch him stuff money in his pants while he strips his way through college, he’s probably gay, but it’s OK to make out with him anyway. if he has a boyfriend, that’s not your fault. if you live with him don’t kiss him at all, it’s not worth it, not even if he already has two girlfriends who are OK with it. if you find a strange man in your friend’s kitchen after your friend has already taken someone else to her bed, it’s OK to fuck him, but that might mean you’re a slut. if you’re a slut it’s still OK. if he thinks your first kiss means you’re destined to be together forever, dump him. if he’s just gotten out of jail in Missouri for graffiti and you’ve picked him up hitchhiking it’s ok to kiss him. if he kisses your friend too that’s still ok. if you’re having dreams about her for weeks it probably means you should let yourself explore that too, you’ve pushed those feelings down long enough. if she winds up with a man afterwards that doesn’t mean what you had meant nothing. if she’s threatened by you having sex with men, dump her. if he’s depressed he needs a therapist, not you. if she disappears to Minnesota it means she’s in trouble. if she winds up with a man afterwards that doesn’t mean what you had meant nothing. if you make out with eight different men in one night that doesn’t make you a slut. if you’re a slut that’s OK too, but they were probably more into each other than you. if she’s still in college and you’re trying to unionize your workplace and figure out how to make time for writing and pay your bills, she’s too young for you. if you can’t keep your hands off each other when you’re first dating but she also plays a mean game of Scrabble, she’s probably the one for you.